With The New Year…I’m Going To Be Good To Myself.

What makes you feel alive? What makes you feel like you’ve had a productive day? Like you really did things you wanted to do?

Does a productive day mean you did things you wanted to do or only things you needed to do?

Do you ever feel like you can never do enough to feel satisfied? I almost always feel like I never did enough. I have so many interests and so much I say I need to do, but I get distraught because I overwhelm myself with all of these things.

 

I have a full time job as an engineer, I own my own startup T-shirt company on the side, I started a blog that I intend to post at least 2 posts per day; one quote of the day, and one “real” post. I try to fit in fitness and cooking and playing with my dog.  I want to fit in reading and playing guitar and writing. And yet even if I do somehow fit all of that in, I still feel incomplete, I still feel like I haven’t learned enough, I didn’t program today or make that app that I’ve been telling myself I’m going to make for years now.  When does that yearning to do more come to an end? Does it ever? I have a feeling it never will.

 

I love having goals, I love doing everything, I love being tired and knowing I do as much as I can, but that’s the problem I guess…I never feel like I’ve done as much as I could have.

 

I could have woken up at 6am today and instead I was up at 9am lollygagging.  I could have not been on Facebook for an hour chatting and instead have been learning or writing emails.  I could have been superwoman today, but I wasn’t. It’s just not in me today.

 

These are the thoughts I struggle with day in and day out when I’m not at work.  When I’m at work, it is the only time I feel free and really productive because I can’t waste my time on other things, I have to do the tasks at hand and I can’t go on Facebook or waste my time sleeping.

 

I’m very happy and I feel very lucky to be who I am and where I am, but I can’t help but feel saddened that I know I will never really rest and feel “complete”.  I will always be craving more…of everything and anything.

 

If I were traveling or going to events I would feel satisfied.  Those are planned, and you prepare for that, but this 2 week vacation I’ve had from work to just sit home by myself and try to do things I’ve been wanting to do has been a nightmare.  At the start of my break I gave myself a laundry list of things to do….I’m going to learn accounting, operations management, and finance with free online courses I told myself.  I’m going to finish my computer networks course. I’m going to start my app. Now already, I’ve set myself up for failure, because already there aren’t enough hours in two weeks to complete all of those courses.  And on top of that I wanted to write, sketch, play guitar, exercise, see the family, go to parties, and so on.

 

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve hit the first step to recovery.  I still am going to be me and try to do a thousand things a day, but I realize I need not be so hard on myself.  And if I want to relax, then I should relax.  And if I didn’t finish something, I didn’t finish it, because these are all things I WANT to do, not NEED to do.  I shouldn’t be worrying over the things I WANT to do that are supposed to be enjoyable!

 

So my New Years Resolution, take it easy. I always say that to my dog when he tries to run off even though he’s still on the leash, Take It Easy.  I still plan on doing all of the things I love and want to do, but I’m going to stop beating myself up for not getting to something insignificant.  I’m going to be good to myself.

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